Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
should my penis look like a turkey
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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