I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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