Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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