So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
