so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you will always have a special place in my vag
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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