They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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