So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
