If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
