I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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