barbara walters just said penis...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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