I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My cat gives me a boner
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
FUCK WHALES
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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