im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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