that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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