fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
