New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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