I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
