Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This is classic penis vs brain.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
