doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
