Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
