I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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