the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Are my feet made of real feet?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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