I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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