Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
