Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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