Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
