she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
