Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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