i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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