she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
