I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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