It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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