he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
