I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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