I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
