Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
