turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
