Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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