Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
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Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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