He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
