his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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