Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
