If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
