Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
