i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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