anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
