I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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