she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
