I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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