So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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