dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
if only i could text you this smell
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
