I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
