It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
