All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
