just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Someone shit on the floor
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
