I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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